vocal theropy

In addition to everything else, I have a condition known to doctors as GERDS. Gastro esophageal reflux disease. Acid reflux. Symptoms of this being that I've a sore throat all of the time. In addition my vocal chords are swollen, so my voice becomes weak and I get hoarse very easily.

In order to help strengthen my voice I've been assigned a vocal therapy doctor. If you were to ask me what she looked like, I would have to say my first impression is of a young Mrs. Claus. She has clear shiny skin, plump, rosey cheeks, and light complexion all around. She seems to be about 28 but is a bona fide PhD and very good at what she does, so I suspect she is older than 28, maybe a young looking 33. Never the less, she has a gentle build. Quite heavy, as am I, but you don't get that impression from her, she doesn't "seem" that fat. Maybe it's the lab coat. But I notice she has some weight because when we do the exercises I have to look at her abdomen to see the technique she is teaching and there is a considerable amount of padding there. Despite this, I am for some reason not comfortable describing her as a large woman. She just doesn't seem that big. Her voice is light and feathery. It rides on her breath and floats around you head. She has a tendency to tilt her head back and look down her nose at you.

Maybe I just perceive this because these vocal therapy sessions have been closer to psychotherapy sessions. Getting to the bottom of my vocal problems ostensibly lies in getting to the bottom of my emotional problems. My psyche. My apoplectic, unanswered neurosis. She doesn't have enough time! But she pops some terse observations in just for good measure.

On the first appointment she said to me; "I'm worried about your mental state, you seem to be very anxious. You have issues with your singing. You identify with it too much. Your singing isn't who you are, it is just a way you can express who you are." That caught me by surprise; I thought this was voice therapy. Maybe she just likes to tease the tears out of people. But I held back. Then she gave me some exercises to practice.

On the second appointment she said to me; "You have to throw your desire to sing away. You must let it go, or you won't have it. And you must be willing to see your life without your voice. Find other forms of expression. Let your voice go." (Who is this person? Yoda!)

I had to sit back a bit. She is talking about my singing voice right? The thing I do every minute of every day. Singing, my primary form of self-indulgence. How fearful it was to think of my life without singing going on in my head all the time. I began to cry. Not gushing, but just enough fear surfaced to pop a flow of tears from my ever-widening ducts. She had struck a chord. She had grabbed the dagger, flexed back her arm and set the thing directly into my heart. She seemed sadistically satisfied. Then she gave me some new exercises to practice.

On the third appointment she said to me; "You talk too much and don't say anything. You have to be more deliberate. You have to learn to use your instrument sparingly. You will use it up too soon the way you go at it. And, your voice is coming straight from your vocal folds, not your breath as it should." Then she talked to me about breathing, and gave me some more exercises.

So she was going to show me how to breathe? Hadn't I been doing that already? Wouldn't I be dead if I couldn't breathe?

Well, you know how we women suck in our bellies all the time to try to look 10 pounds thinner? What's the point when you're 250 pounds! But for some reason I still do it. And I found out that doesn't help your breath so much. She taught me to open up my middle section and let the air get down low into my diaphragm area. Then to push up and send the breath out, up the air pipe, past the vocal folds, onto the roof of my mouth, and past my upper teeth into the world. She had me add a sound to it and wanted me to feel the vibration just behind my upper front teeth. Resonance, she called it. It was like saying OM! And we repeated it over and over until I began to get it working more naturally. By that time I had a buzz and was feeling very euphoric, having just meditated. It helped me calm down. I could feel my center for a few seconds. And within that center there was no fear. What a relief!

I liked that. And even though she kind of pissed me off with the remark about my talking, she was redeemed with the teaching of the breath. Now I am practicing daily, for varying lengths of time. Slowly expanding in and down and then slowly contracting up and out.

Learning how to breathe.