I want what she's got

..."Would you look at how pretty her hair is!... I wish I could fit into that dress.... I wish I could sing like that... I wish I was that talented... I wish I had a stable life style like her... I wish I was more consistent... I wish I could be more disciplined... How come she gets to drive that nice car?... Why can't I make that much money?... How come she can sell her paintings?... I wish I had gone the way she went with her career..." and so on.

I have come to conclude I'm a very sick puppy. One who needs so much love no one can possibly supply it. I want success, but I refuse to acknowledge it when it comes to me, even briefly. I want love, but I push it away if it is given too openly. I want to lose weight, but I keep eating. I want to exercise, but I keep finding reasons to sit down. I want friends, but when they call I can never seem to make the date. I want spirituality, but I am so skeptical I always have doubts.

Faith is a complex idea. Sounds simple. A one syllable word. It's like a breath really. Faith. Where is it in my life?... I wonder. In some circles it is looked at as intellectually inferior to have faith. Not practical. What you cannot see, why bother with it? There is enough we can see that we can't deal with already. In other circles it is looked at and embraced with so much enthusiasm the hypocracy is rampant! And if my faith isn't strong enough have I failed? Have I let everyone down? Have I been too human?

So then I look outside myself for acceptance. A classic case really. What is that passion that wells up in my heart? Is it of this earth? Is it from beyond? Beyond the bounds of imagination, cynicism, elitism, intellectualism, and sarcasm. And when will I learn to embrace and love myself? When I know who I am?

When will I know who I am? The shape as I perceive it keeps shifting. And I remain confused and bewildered while I stare into the glass darkly. Is it the part of myself that reflects god the part I have trouble seeing? Or is it the part that reflects man? I can see myself in the trees and the grass and the rocks and the storms, but I can't see myself in other people. I feel lost and so separate.

I need to find the faith to go deeper into myself. Past the crusty exterior and into the sensative mushy underbelly. Looking into the reasons I am so jealous, so dissatisfied, and disjointed. I'm ruptured, fractured, and fraught with fears of other people. It hurts so much when they go away, or die, and your soul feels like Swiss cheese.

Embracing yourself is very hard to do. Even harder when your dreams are dashed, your hopes lay in the gutter, and your physical being is soft and squishy. But, I have to have faith that I will come out the other side... what's the alternative?