pumping and coasting

I live on a hill. So when I decided to try to start riding my bike again there was no way I could get around having to pump really hard to get up the hill. Sure, when I start out I get to coast really fast down the hill. Then I ride around for a while and eventually it is time to come back home. It's time to ride my bike up that nasty hill.

When I complain about this to my friends they say; "Why don't you just get off the bike and walk it up the hill?" And my answer is; “it’s not that simple!” To me, getting off the bike and walking it up the hill means that the hill has won. It means I'm not strong enough to take on that hill. It means I'm a wimp, a failure.

That brings out the larger issue of my self-esteem. Surely a secure individual wouldn’t find a problem with getting off the bike and walking it up the hill. Only a person with issues around self-worth and competence would find this hard to do. Someone with a problem admitting weakness would worry about being caught walking their bike up the hill.

What is it I’m afraid of? Being weaker than someone? Do I really believe I am stronger than everyone? Do I really think I would ever be the strongest? Am I afraid of losing to the hill? So what is this inferiority complex that sends me into this self-destructive behavior? When did it start? From what does it originate? Is it just part of me?

It is so funny to think of how much insanity guides us through each day. Our own little foibles send us into decisions that have little to do with reality and a lot to do with our whole pathetic self-construct. Still, even though I know all this, I am repulsed by the thought of walking that darn bike up the hill!

So now, I’ve injured my knee. And because I’ve injured my knee, I may not be able to ride my bike for a while at all. Is that self-sabotage or what? I am faced with a hill that is larger than the one my house sits upon. I am looking up the cliff of my self-doubt and fears of being inferior. That most definitely is a hill I should get off and walk up.