nothing more

what is it
that I don't have
for you
I would give
to live
but you have torn
away
again
stop
don't go
but it's too late
you've
passed through
the doors
I can't live up
or live down
or whatever it is
you think I need to do
or not do
anything but acceptance
but I'm nothing more
than
imperfect
and my love
is that way too.
but I tried
and I was willing to try
and keep trying

quantum mechanics of love

It is a strange calculus to be sure, that of love, and the unsettling mix of emotion and feeling that accompany it. Not particularly (no pun intended) unlike that of quantum mechanics.

But first you have to consider the relative aspects of the laws of attraction, or chemical affinity. What makes our particles gravitate toward one another.

ping ping ping. Something inside makes us want to connect with that special certain someone. What is the reason for this? Many argue it is the propagation of the species, and that seems valid enough a claim, until you look a little deeper. If attraction is simply for the propagation of the species, then why isn't everyone attracted to just anyone else?

Is the answer that more suitable genetic matches generally gravitate toward each other? This claim could be made, but then, how do you defend the obviously mismatched couples. The elephant and the dog?

Could it be a more quantum calculus is at play? If you think about light, and waves and particles, and you put them in the absolute impercievible realm of the atom, what energy might you elicit?

Well there are many laws that can apply to both the attraction properties and the quantum properties. For instance, Schrödinger's Cat. It seems to me these lessons could be applied to the larger physical realm of love and attraction. The putative aspects of physical and romantic attraction defy the logos of the objective and pass through the subjective into a state of decay, that defies that logic and may or may not kill the cat. In fact, it could be, that the cat is alive and dead, simultaneously!

In the case of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, the parallel is keen. The more one entity is known, the less the other can be known. So the symbiosis is always a property of the success of both entities to survive. If one becomes too large, it overwhelms the other, or it is unmeasurable.

So it is with love. You've got two known entities, traveling through space and time, collecting static, and data. Then one day, they happen to pass within range of each other. Each one's space is effected in bizarre and unconventional ways. Down is up, up is down, negative is positive, and the time and space seem to fall all out of line.

Seemingly, nothing can keep them apart. The waves become particles and the particles become waves. Everything you know is wrong.

Then, there is the first kiss. Light and energy seem to merge and electricity enlivens every aspect of your being. Is this love? At once heavy and light? With and without mass, inertia, spatial and temporal perspective?

There is no stopping this absolute interminable force of nature. It abounds in each elemental phase that is our lifetime. It dictates our shape, and our function. It leaves its carbon footprint all over our brief passage.

Most intriguingly, it is light. Speeding through us as it simultaneously eludes our better senses. We balk, it proceeds. Our only hope of survival is to fall into it deeply and completely, and let it have its bosonic and fermionic way with us.

What delight, and absolute fracture!

matriarch

the matriarchs have gone
and left me in charge

oh the blisters life leaves
upon the fertile soil
of a young woman's soul

my envelope is dulling now
the color leaves my cheek

what have they left behind
those willows by the shore
that lean over to shade the stream

for me there's nothing there
save a cheek, a tender smile
the memory of a lap to cry upon

reflections in the stream
of days past calling to that love

I crawl toward the light they left
it teases as it dances upon the wilting leaves
spinning as the breeze plucks them
from the empty gangling arms

a trace refracted tonal poem
a spit shine on a shoe

valentine

what tragic comedy
entangles us

we are wired
for each other

each a conduit
for heartache

each a prize
for the macabre

[I used to fear being with you
now I fear being without you]

tears for the tango

toss the doll that I become
bend me to your will

I run just far enough away
to keep the wolf at bay

come strange carnivore
with those sharp and gleaming fangs
tear at my train,
my ever willing flesh

pause and dance
approach and fade

a twist
a heartbeat
a drum

maddening tango!
to cleave our souls

tears become our storm
they flood the parquet floor

in my tempestuous slumber
I dream you have come
through the moonlight
moving inside the rhythm

you reach and pull
I twirl,
a dervish,
ecstatic
orgasmic.

abscission

breaking
shedding
sloughing
away
away
away

fears
polarize
paralyze

detach
the parts
that hurt
the parts
that chafe
the parts
that murder
every
hope and
every
dream

exfoliate
amputate
get
some
relief

lover

your touch
simultaneously
puts me
on the ground
and throws
me into space

where I
can rearrange
the constellations

and burn
my tongue on the stars
of your nipples
and the dust
of the vast cosmos
in your sweat

lover,
pose me
for your pleasure

I am yours

lift me from
my dull
and mundane
everyday
into
a frantic
passion
that pounds
my heart to pulp

though I gulp
your kisses
down, they
never quench
my thirst

lover
take me
ever more,
take me,
I'm yours

half a century

i'm not 20 anymore
i'm not even 24

i'm getting right up there
i'm fifty

and my flesh
is less elastic

wrinkles are appearing

do i still turn you on?
can i still make you feel
even though all i have
has been revealed.

you know me now
all of me

am i just boring
a known entity?

please say no
to all these queries.

i have one more
important theory...

you could love me
if you chose,
and we'd have thirty
plus to go,
maybe
want to try?

become alone

i'm trying to become alone.
so i don't miss you
like my ears have
been amputated
my eyes burned out
and my soul
evacuated

so i come to earth
and ask it
how do i
become alone?

how do i stand
upon the soil
with my two
bare feet
and reach
up
unafraid
of falling...

without
you?

how?