Dreams on hold

doing everything
needed to survive --
the 'make a living'
compromise

those were times
lived awake
losing dreams
for life's sake

lost visions
life and verve
never enough
nerve

what felt right
needed bold
instead dreams
put on hold

there still
red light flashing
answer waiting
vision thrashing

wonder star
radiance spent
life living
seasons rent

grass in shadows
spring, summer, fall
din of industry
dreams still call

lay your head down

some giant pillows
found their way
across town

my head laid next to his
night after never
adaze with coffee
plush with cream

filtered through
a maze
emotional tether
together

flashes of fire
under the pillows that lie
next to the curb
for now

might become some hip reverie
some catalyst of mayhem
linked through every stitch
of every fountain feather

whispered nothings
sipping the sweet
dripping café

under tones from a past
ever known
more than an LCD

vision less sublime
tucked into
giant pillows
crashing
softly landing
in the future

solution

If

you don't

like my life
tough problem

solved
'

solvent
saline
solution

imbued

his palms

sway

warm
ocean
breezes

toss
waves
beckon

hands
enfold
hopes

crush
fear

rocket man

rage that burns
like a rocket

propels dream
of justice

broken

between stages
launch after launch

zero g
star shine

blazing blue earth

like god or something

up there
looking down

every individual
strife unnoticed

until
the pull
of reentry

doing

This is the developing consequence
of thinking about doing sound art...
and recording it.
I may not make much sense,
but my essence is rare.
and.
from the nugget of 'open up and bleed'
some real stuff is
coming.

that's all I can say for now.

toy piano...
sewing machine...
whistling...
breath...

some more instruments I play.

but maybe you meant... need...
I could parse all night.

but where would that get me?
maybe
a song or something.

So I'm thinking..
when you get there
I could do music.
an album
maybe.. what? 10 songs
some covers
some originals

what do you think
I'm not a genius musician though
just
somewhat
of an admirer
and muse consumer

I see patterns
but I'm not a mathematician.
I see force
but I'm not a politician.

well.
maybe you'll consider.
I like October.
it's a spooky ... good ... month.

I have some friends that play.

violin?
mustard jars?

detached

bending
tall grass
blowing

not breaking
nor yielding

unowned
dispossessed
open

passing through
membranes
unaffected

memories
crate creation

forget
origins, loves
lest they tether
keep small

freedom to love all
is freedom to love
no one

Birthday

Shed film of water
Like molted snakeskin
Emerge warm

Soft

Fluffy towel
Moves over
Familiar surface
Scars and moles
Migrated

Slightly

Reveal
Like Sanskrit
Encrypted history

Mirror

Steamy
Like soft lens
Shifts time
Trickles cleave
Rivers shine

mom

had the worst day yesterday.
felt like some bricks came down

thought it was close to the day
wondered
seemed like it

oh yes.
two years already gone
I was drawn to the place
but didn't have time

never seemed to have
enough time
even now
for her

Personal:

I realize,
I am a mere middle aged woman
and not the whole of humanity
and not even THAT attractive
but I'm pretty sure I've got a fatally warm heart.
so understand that
I'm already dead
or dying
so nothing you
could ever do
could possibly harm
me
It's already too late.

fossil

sandstone
rubs the soles

burns
the palms
the eyes

crumbles
erodes
becomes
the thing
that shapes it.

but holds
within

lime stone
cleavage

rest for
the marine
a passive
function

storage
of the story
continuing

every grain
in succession.

I said
and meant
everything.
:-)

shadows

back and forth
shifting
across windy walk

tossed across
a plane
cast by blocking
light

observe
reflect
ambient

sounds
shimmer
and boom

my skin feels
like latex
stretched over
this apathetic armature

passing through
aperture

iris
provision

dust streams
sparkle
he stands
silhouetted
robust
and glittering

time recedes
into heartbeats
and breath

numbered
inventoried
indexed

I look
to comprehend
the whole
of this
elegant
entity

who chooses
to reside
beside
the ensuing
chaos

are you from around here?

you don't address me
like I'd like to be

regarde moi
avec
contempt.

and
why

because
I don't have money?
or
I'm frumpy

what about
my heart?

doesn't that beat all?

sweet morning

not in a time I can render
only in a dream I forget
past is a reason remembered
future a fortune unmet

waves and prisms redux

sun rains
through window
hitting crystal
spreading spectrum

every color
brighter touch
making breath
time waves
hit shore

answers watch
returning sea

silent sparkles
glisten majestically
illustration disturbs
in silence

waves and prisms

the sun is raining
through my window
hitting the crystal
spreading spectrum
across ceiling and wall

I fall along with it
so in love with you
every color is brighter
with your touch

breath
making waves
no time
to see them
hit the shore

or watch
them return
my answer
to the sea

silent
as sparkles
majestically
glisten
illustrate love
never disturbing
your ear
with such
nonsense

legs and thighs

at 325
lie legs and thighs

some rice
in cast iron
boils

common
faux pas
drip over
onto
floor tiles

come sit
eat
stay
a while
try to find
some smiles.

space

you say
you need
space

mental
physical
spiritual

how much?
not enough for you
too much for me

impasse
aspirin

broken concentration
v.
broken heart.

unaware

you are
unaware

you just
don't care

its neither
here nor there

Simon's b-day

Well, the day is finally here. Simon turns eight.

I'd planned an outdoor party, but it looks a little wet, not raining right now... but wet. hmmm.
Should I wait and see if the sun comes out, or should I start to make alternative plans and try to contact everyone.

I'll be glad when I'm past this. I hope he and all his friends have fun.

I have to finish a painting tonight for work. Then tomorrow is Sunday... probably more work on the painting... touches...etc.

Then back to work on Mon. only one more Monday after that.
I can't wait until I turn eight.

metabolic madness

so.. a few years later...
about 45 pounds lighter. with still another... or 45 to go.
But I hope to start trying to get back on track. Had my home situation change and couldn't figure out how to run regularly without leaving my son home alone at 7, and I just couldn't do that. But guess what? He now come running with me! We don't go as far, but just about as fast... (I'm a slow..'runner')
I'm excited about this modified program.
Also, our plan is to go to the high school pool in our area for the open swim and lap swim on Tuesday nights. I swim laps (builds strength) he splashes around and maybe goes with a friend!
So hopefully it is a win win. I embark on this.. trying for 5, 10, 15... I'd love 20, I'd be ecstatic at 25... and apoplectic at 30... so this is what we try... this year. We try to get some more off, after a little break... but no significant regain.. which is great.
I hope to report as time goes on...
so, it's back to my roots on this blog... back to metabolic madness.
at least for now.
adios!

A RANT: to all the teabaggers and libertarians and repulicrats and republicans....

*

You think the rich pay too much in taxes? How did they get rich? Ever ask yourself that???

Maybe the people who complain about it should consider living in a more controlled governmental environment. It might suit them better than having to cope with all the 'riff raff' in a democracy!

Maybe a country where they can dictate who lives and who dies. Or maybe where they can just use them to fight the wars -- wars the government can pretend are to defend the country, but are really used to gain access and control of that country's wealth and resources. OR use them as slave labor so they can raise the profit level of their exports, if the workers die, so what! they mean nothing, they are just fodder to raise profit margin.

This way the government can get the problem people out of the way--the people that weigh the system down by burdening the rich with taxes to pay for all those social services those people need...services like schools, public health, libraries, highway systems, train systems, communication infrastructure, power grids, etc...also known as the commonwealth.

The commonwealth which by the way, is the infrastructure utilized by the giant corporations to send the goods here and there and communicate and operate competitively in a modern world. These systems benefit ALL. But they benefit the wealthy more greatly than any other sector of our public.

There is no PRIVACY in a democracy. The capitalists are allowed to USE our infrastructure and allowed the benefits of a PUBLIC WELL-FARE that brings our citizenship out of the darkness of ignorance and into enlightenment.

You want to control the wealth and let corporates benefit overall (which they do already... ) but if it is NOT enough for you the way it is, I suggest you find a country that uses a different form of government.

The argument that corporations benefit the population by providing jobs and therefore should get a tax break doesn't square with me. I see the corporations USING OUR INFRASTRUCTURE to gain their wealth, therefore they should have to pay US RENT! Those who use it more, should pay more, those who profit from it most, should pay the most.

For example: We have to clean up the environment after one of these irresponsible companies gets done raping it, and that costs money. They use telecommunications satellites to do their work, they benefit from clean water and air, sanitary sewer systems, power grids, traffic services, the list is endless.

I'm not mentioning the fact that for the most part our congress is bought and paid for by big business. You cannot step on foot into Washing DC without being well-funded by some big business interest. Therefore you are beholding to them. So when they whine about having to pay too much, just consider that part of their costs are paying off our congressmen. This is a special tax isn't it? A tax to be able to have unfettered access to our government policy makers.

I challenge any of you to do the math and really see the cost to our commonwealth of private industry. They bring some benefits such as jobs, but they also utilize our infrastructure to make their wealth and if things weren't set up that way in this great country, they wouldn't have such high profits.

So when you call for defunding programs that benefit the poor or help educate and keep the larger population healthy, you are really asking for a change much greater than you realize, and a 'tax' much higher on the rich in the long run, as they will lose an educated populace to work for them, and they will lose a healthy populace to do their labor, and they will lose the infrastructure that is already crumbling due to lack of funding. It's a kind of destruction from within you are asking for.

Self destruction.

prozaic

rambling machinations
consumed like peanuts shells
discarded god skin under feet

this is wonder

clear day sun
setting on
horizontal orange from space
and blue from ocean
smiling

cosmic sounds fortune

what I never heard
stuns me
the new
becoming
what the old
thought
it wasn't any more
popping
joints
and popcorn
bowls
and
bowels.
extract
the benefits
of reality
by
indulging
in fantasy.

the american dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYIC0eZYEtI&feature=player_embedded

absolutely

it gets a little tiring.
don't get me wrong
it's nice
when it happens
to be
something other than
what did you call it?
but god
my limbs hurt
and I think
I'm losing my hair
all of it
will I be colder in the winter now?

pentimento

i drew it up there
on the living room wall
an indelible paint stain cartoon
bold at the time
now dated and dumb

i try to erase it
make it all go away
with primer
and gesso and glue

but no matter
how many layers I apply
it always bleeds back
to resurface

I scrub it
I scrape it
I sand it
I stain it
pentimento.

the only thing left
is to tear down the wall
that's been standing for
hundreds of years
and not only that
it's a load bearing one
so it's surely more damage
the whole house could be undone!

this recurring gesture
is haunting my present
and turning it harder than rock
and there's just as much rubble
to clear anyway now...

so hand me the hammer
it's down with that wall
with that horrible thing
that won't fade

I'll bash it to hell
and maybe this nightmare
will go away.

make peace

past. gone.
so what.
now.

zero

Zero Carbon Living

What a radical vision of the future it must have been to imagine a main street without the smell of horses, or the creak of wagon wheels. It must have been equally unimaginable to think of highways carrying cars and trucks piloted by individuals and navigating across the USA in a mere few days. Gaslights along the main streets and houses heated with coal were the norm.

The internal combustion engine was a quantum leap forward in transportation back when it was originally invented. Its existence impacted industry, transportation, agriculture, medicine, education, and the environment. Nothing was ever the same.

Many industries had to adapt or they were history. We are currently faced with the need for the same type of radical change. Global Climate Change will be affecting our environment on earth adversely and dramatically within the next few generations. It could become a catastrophe for our grandchildren, if we do nothing to change our habits of non-renewable consumption and waste.

In addition to the progress that was made with the internal combustion engine, many technological advances were made manipulating chemicals to ‘improve’ our standard of living. We now reap the vast benefits and detriments from a largely irresponsible and rapid expansion of these technologies right up to this very day.

If not for certain courageous, knowledgeable, and creative people, we would still have DDT being sprayed on our neighborhoods. Toxic sludge would be spewing and wreaking havoc on our waterways and aquifers. We were able to repair some of the damage done and prevent or deter further damage in many areas of the US, but there is still widespread raping of the environment, such as mountain top removal. But other countries around the world don’t have many of the laws and standards that we have employed herein the US through ongoing struggles between corporate interests and the interests of individuals who fight to preserve our habitat.

Earth is a finite resource. Once we have destroyed the ecosystem beyond its ability to sustain human life, there is much suffering that will occur, followed by certain extinction. If we could look at the impact we as individuals have on the environment and try to work toward living in a fully sustainable way, we could possibly repair the damage we have done to the earth so far, or at least stop any further damage. Gandhi said; “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” That is the commitment we should all have when thinking about our daily lives.

What can we as individuals do to be that change? When the internal combustion engine began rolling across America, no one could have possibly conceived of the radical change to the landscape that would occur. That type of radical change is what needs to happen now with the home building industry. We as individuals can begin abating the damage to this earth by reinventing the homes we live in and the way we live in them. Serious consideration needs to be paid to what we use in our daily lives and how we use it, everything from home heating, to water use and delivery, to the food we prepare and eat.

Is it enough to simply caulk and insulate a stick built home? Or does another approach have to be taken, another angle toward a sea change in home building design, products, and building codes. A change to the landscape of America needs to be as radical now as it was when the automobile became affordable for every person in the country.

Starting with local building codes and aesthetics, our vision for the zero carbon future needs to be complete and completely embraced by all those living on this planet that understand the dire environmental circumstances we are now living under. A vision of the future with localized building codes and resources, products specifically designed for each climate zone. Localized design and building techniques unique to each climate zone taught and utilized in all markets around the country. Businesses and industries will have a market rich with consumers, eager to use these new ideas to better their own lives and the lives of everyone around the world.

These changes need to become the convention across the board -- now. There is no need to cling to old ideas of architecture and building forms, no need to utilize out-dated machines to bring warmth or lighting into your home. These new technologies exist today, and many are being suppressed in order to keep up the status quo and the profits established infrastructure bring. But the status quo is a road to self-destruction.

Rewards need to be given to innovative businesses and experimental endeavors that contribute in a positive way towards the preservation of this planet we live on. Companies who reach toward progress in the areas of environmental sustainability, renewable resource usage, conservation, storage, and generation should be lavishly rewarded through government grants and easement of building codes and restrictions.

It is now illegal in many areas to build so-called “experimental” dwellings. There are codes enforced by townships and cities that continue the use of out-dated, energy wasting, materials and techniques. Strict restrictions and guidelines should govern the development of new residential areas and should strive to achieve zero carbon levels in the use of home systems and the production of the materials from which the building is constructed, in addition to utilizing sustainable water practices at any and all costs.

This is an attainable goal. These technologies exist and should be implemented. But there is a push back from businesses that can’t afford to innovate due to a lack of incentives from consumers and the government. With the right promotion and education, this can change.

The beauty of a new crop of houses springing up on a nearby farm field could be a common site in the future. Wind generators spinning, solar collection and distribution technologies, water desalination technologies, and waste control and management through composting and sustainable life styles. This is the future, or there is no future.

reception

a palm
that waves
high
above

a cloud
that drifts
afloat
some

atmosphere
of acceptance
in a biosphere
of repentance

love
a homecoming
though never
really that far
away

from the palm
that waves
good bye
hello