That's what friends are for

All my life I haven't been much of a friend. I was the baby of the family. I was spoiled. I didn't really get that there were other people in this world than me that needed all the things I needed. I wasn't really trying to be inconsiderate, I just never learned how to be part of a family.

Naturally when I grew up and tried to have relationships they all went to hell in a hand basket. There are many hand baskets down there that have my name on them. Wonderful little hand baskets, but with big gaping holes in them. Holes that I created. Baskets I destroyed.

But I'm here, what am I going to do? So I go on. I win for a little while, then I lose big time. Trying to figure out how to balance desire with reality. Very hard to do.

So when it came to friendships the same ends were achieved. Some kept forgiving me, like Lisa, who was such a wonderfully well-adjusted person. But then she died of a brain aneurism at only 26. I don't thing anyone since has given me so much leeway.

This whole going to church every week and being part of a group of people of which you know their stated goal is to try to live by the rules Christ taught. Especially; "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is really helping me grow as a friend. I still suck at it, but I see some improvement.

The biggest thing I can find when I try to look at what has changed about my "friendship" abilities is that my ears have grown bigger. I've always had a huge heart. I love people and life, but I feel awkward navigating through relationships. So my heart has always been broken because of my inability to engage with people in general, but mostly people I love.

My ears have grown to help me hear what my friends are saying. I can sit and listen to them. I can try to block out my ego for some moments and really try to "feel" them. I am also noticing, not only my ears getting bigger, but my mouth is starting to shrink. Enabling me to just listen and not opine.

What a relief. I thought everyone expected me to have answers! Now I get it. They just want someone to talk to. They just need a friend. A gentle companion in this violent world. One who doesn't judge, or try to "fix" them. Just someone they can relax with. I think I get it. Although my countenance has undergone some great changes, my spirit is even more altered. It is still really hard, but some times I actually can just shut up and listen.