what I wish I could say

I wish I could say what I'm feeling and not feel like a total fool. Because all rational thought says to leave it. Leave it. Leave that feeling I have when I'm near you. Leave it. Leave it! I just want to say that I wish I could touch you. I wish I could become someone real to you. I wish I was so beautiful inside and outside that you couldn't resist me, and you'd drop everything and run away with me. Or run toward something with me. Or dive into the ocean and swim with me and the sharks. [Wear a life preserver.] You have infested my mind. I am rendered mute by the love I feel. I am exploding inside. I am exploding with anxiety over this love. I worry it is a fantasy. I worry I am the only one. I worry I will never see you again. I worry my delusion will punish me until I die. But it is an interesting journey, this love that has fallen on top of my head, out of nowhere. I can see you so clearly. I can hear your voice. I reel. I'm dizzy. I feel like I'm a little girl. I want you to wrap your arms around me and say hi to me, so quietly, like a soul talking to another soul. I want to crawl into your pocket and ride around with you all day. Just to be near you. Just to feel you. And it is so real, this weird attraction. It is profound. I remember touching your hands, but I don't recall the contact. All I can remember is holding your hands and looking away and trying to hide my adulation. I would just love it if you showed up at my doorway once more. Quietly and weirdly. All the awkwardness of any love is what I'm full of. I feel so inadequate. I feel like a young girl in an old woman's body trying to reach out of this deformed and cankered shell to a beam of light. I feel like I can't speak to you in any other language than love. Your image is imprinted on my retina, it colors my world. I am forgotten. I am misbegotten. I have the moon to prove it. I am jaded and daunted and misguided. I am but a sorry dope in this whole big scheme. Love is having its sadistic way with me. And there you have it. I wish I could tell you. But you have this whole other reality you belong to, and I'm not part of it. But I just have to say it felt so natural to be with you. It was so weird. It felt so easy, and so right and like nothing I've felt before. I need oxygen.